It’s taken me a long time to write this letter to you, but here it is. I finally mustered up enough courage to pen my thoughts out to you and share them with the world. Telling you this is important because I want you to know that this has been a long process filled with doubt, uncertainty, and whimsy. As my mind races a thousand miles an hour, I have contemplated what to say to you because words are important to me, and I want you to feel the weight of my words. As I type, there is a barrage of thoughts floating through my mind waiting to exhale. The anxiety is creeping in and I want to retreat. I think to myself…“Will this ever reach him?” “What in the world are you thinking, Elsa?” “This is not a good idea!” “They’ll think you are crazy!” “Just stop already… STOP!”
That, my dear, is my inner critic. Every single thing I do is run through that lens and I fight that daily. It’s always been there and was amplified due to the trauma I have experienced. As you get to know me, you will gain a better understanding of why the “inner critic” plays a huge role in my life. For now, if you are familiar with the Enneagram test, know that I am a 1 wing 9. I am structured yet down to earth. I don’t even know how that works but let me try to explain it in layman’s terms. I am a business exec and hippie trapped in one body. An intellectual who also prefers to walk barefoot. The “tomboy” who can dress up and make heads turn. A vegan foodie that can give a TEDtalk and empower people who are in pain. That’s me! Your future wife.
I am getting a little bit ahead of myself, so let me slow down… before I pour my hopeful romantic heart out to you, let me just start by saying… I LOVE YOU! There. I said it. You will never have to guess how I feel about you, ever! Remember that.
“I LOVE YOU!” I never thought I’d be able to say those words again to a man, but here I am, saying them to you. For over 7 years, I have dreamed of what it would be like to utter those words again without pretense and as I let them out of my mind and on to this paper, I feel complete bliss. The bliss I stopped believing in. The hope I thought was dead is suddenly reignited and I can imagine my life with you in it. Ever since my divorce in 2013, I have received prophetic words about marriage and getting married again. Although I knew I was not ready to be in a relationship I still held on to those words. Some words gave me specific names of people and others just spoke of your character, how we’d meet and us walking out purpose together, so I held on to them. I held on to the hope that one day I will meet you. Had I pursued all of the words people gave me about you, my heart wouldn’t be ready to receive you today, it would be somewhere else. Today, I am ready for you.
Over the past 7 years, I have been extremely intentional about relationships and who I choose to date and court me. I have spent an immense amount of time mending the parts of me that were torn. Healing the pieces that were scarred and reviving the woman who needed to come alive. That journey hasn’t been perfect, but it’s been part of God’s plan and purpose.
To this date, I can say that I have only been in one serious relationship and he and I are still friends. That has only been possible because we didn’t cross any boundaries and he honored body and my desire to be what I call a “born again virgin.” I can’t say that for all men I have encountered on this journey to you.
I can count on one hand how many men I have kissed or been on dates with since my divorce. My goal has been to minimize intimate interactions with men because I knew that in the past, I allowed them to discover the most intimate parts of me before marriage. As I rediscovered my worth, I was reminded that I don’t have to devalue myself for love.
I have chosen to practice abstinence because I know that you, unlike other men will value my wait, because I am worth it. It hasn’t been easy denying a part of me that is very alive, but I am grateful that God continues to empower me through this process.
A few things about me… I am a worshiper. My name means oath of God and I take my relationship with Him seriously. He is my all. My refuge and my Source. I will always put Him first, no matter what. I am a mother. I love children and I have a deep desire to see them be who they were created to be. Their innocence and purity are truly what the world is missing and they have answers to mysteries and unsolved problems. We should listen.
I am extremely creative and innovative. My mind is constantly thinking, connecting, discovering and planning. I am full of ideas and resources that you will be the benefactor of as we co-labor in the future. I am a sapiophile. Intellect is what I am attracted to and what draws me in, not physical attraction. While that is a very important component, I can never see myself waking up to someone I cannot intelligibly emote with. I need someone who understands my desire to discuss politics, philosophy, theology, law, etc. and challenges me. My core being loves learning, and I am drawn to you because you are an intellectual. You are not only full of wisdom, but you are a man who knows God deeply and intimately, which is rare.
I can see you now, sitting at our dining room table teaching our children lessons about life and helping them understand that they are heirs to the Kingdom of YHVH (God). You father in the most loving way and our children honor you. You protect. You nurture and you are present. You are both tender yet strong in many ways and although the world sees you as being well put together and “missing nothing,” you know that something is missing, me. You walk with authority that brings power to a room and you radiate love. You are a man who anticipates my needs yet allows me room to change my mind. The one who asks me what I want to order off of the menu and orders it for me because you know little things like that matter to me. You are traditional with a twist of modern, chivalrous and full of adventure. Your king-like stature commands attention but your childlikeness restores innocence and purity in people. Like mine, your past is not unblemished, but you know you’ve been made white as snow.
I can’t wait to have our cooking competitions and our family judge our food to see who would be chosen to be on the Iron Chef. I will win, I already know it, but I will make sure to take it easy on you. While sports won’t be the center of my world, I know you enjoy sports very much and I look forward to beating you every season in our fantasy football league. I am strategic and will compete for fun with you, the one I love.
I look forward to our long road trips. Listening to music and singing until our voices are unbearable to hear. I look forward to traveling abroad, exploring new countries and having culinary adventures worth posting on #thegram. I look forward to watching you do what you do best, empower people and to me being your biggest supporter. Your partner. The wife you don’t have to escape our home from, but eagerly wait to return home to. Your safe place. We are each other’s safe place.
You lead well and I am happy to follow. You value your family, your friends, your colleagues, and strangers. It is beautiful. I cherish you and I look forward to serving alongside you. To being your companion…
May our love be a beautiful public display of faith that brings YHVH (God) glory. May our love be a reminder that your wait was not in vain, and our Father has amazing plans in mind.
There is so much more I’d like to say to you, but I will save it for future letters to be unpeeled like a dahlia.
Until we meet,
Your #wifeTOBEfound
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That’s beyond deep. I deeply understand that