Trauma and Sexuality

“I am gay… So what?” That’s what I use to say until God showed me the root of my homosexuality. It was a root I buried deep down within my soul. I had compartmentalized it so much that it became dormant-hidden in a box of untouchable memories. For years, I’d lived a life as a homosexual but I felt it was not who I was created to be.

I didn’t want men and thought women were the safer choice. I said to myself, they wouldn’t hurt me. They would never do what “those men” did. I convinced myself that my sexual preference was okay. I was gay… So what?

The first time I told a close family friend that I was gay, you could hear a pin drop. Their reaction was hurtful and I felt invalidated. For once, I was sharing a deep truth about myself, I was crying out, but I was rejected. All they said was, “Oh baby, you’ll get over this phase.” A phase I wouldn’t get out of even after I got married. A phase that I wouldn’t get out of even after I had a child. This was a “phase” that wouldn’t end until I had an encounter with Christ and faced the root of my homosexuality. As I came out to the world, no one asked me why I was choosing this lifestyle. They either accepted, rejected, or condemned me when love was all I was looking for.

I was a believer in Christ, a follower of the Way, and Holy Spirit-filled since age three but I had sexual feelings for women. I was constantly told that my feelings were demonic and I was going to hell. I was a gay Christian and my sexual preference was a disease. Despite what I was told, I often thought, “I’d rather go to hell for being with a woman than touch another man.” I didn’t care, because I felt people didn’t understand. Yes, I was living in sin, but I knew that God loved me because of who I am, regardless of my shortcomings. Even on the days that I ran into the arms of women seeking love and comfort to dull pain, forgetting He existed, God pursued me. I practiced this lifestyle for many years and even found acceptance in the gay community. They loved me in ways Christian communities didn’t.

Being openly gay didn’t last long because my last girlfriend showed me that this was not the path I wanted to continue in life. The very thing I was running away from in men was what I encountered in that relationship. She was abusive. She was a manipulative, cheating, domineering woman who was just like the men I hated. Our unhealthy relationship caused a lot of depression and angst.

I experienced low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity as I sought wholeness in women instead of being made whole in Christ.

With the pressure mounting from my family and friends about being married and living the American dream, I dove out of the lady pond. I left what was familiar in an attempt to find “normalcy” in what I detested the most, MEN! If you’ve read my previous post A Little History of Me, you understand how my history with men didn’t make for a picture-perfect union with a man. When I engaged in promiscuous acts with men, it was to have power over them. To see if I could feel anything. A connection… anything. But I was left empty. All I saw were the faces of men who’d raped me. The idiots who paid twenty plus dollars to get a blowjob or to have sex with my pubescent body. I pictured my dad molesting me at night. His disgusting porn addiction was a reminder that all men wanted from women was sex. But here I was… about to find the “love of my life” and this love of mine needed to have a penis to make sure I still had a place in Heaven.

I pretended to be attracted to men for years, but my feelings for women had not changed; I just learned to suppress them. I dated men, but still fought the deeply rooted seed. I got married, but nothing changed. What sustained us was alcohol and our twisted emotional bond. I was still gay on the inside pretending to be straight to the world. I was in turmoil. 

It wasn’t until I had an encounter with God that my eyes were opened and I stopped believing the lie that I was gay. In that encounter, I asked God why I was engaging in promiscuous behavior. I asked Him why being married didn’t change my sexual preference. Although my husband knew about my issues, pretending to be “straight” became very painful for both of us. Needless to say, we divorced. Before you jump to conclusions, no, we didn’t get divorced because of my sexuality. Our marriage was a hot mess from the start and we were two young starstruck lovers that had no business being together. Our marriage ended badly, but I learned a lot from it.

I left that relationship and was now attempting to live this “straight” life. I was looking for love while carrying baggage. I had not dealt with the root of my problem. As I sat in my room one night waiting on God to answer my questions, He did. He revealed the seed. To my surprise, it was exposure to homosexuality at a very young age. When this repressed memory finally surfaced, suddenly, I felt nauseous as it replayed in my head. I yelled. I cried. I screamed in anguish. I then asked God to remove it from my mind and to take those feelings away. It felt like a splinter in my brain. It was that moment that I knew the feelings I had most of my life were not part of God’s original intent.

That day, God took me back to that place in Cameroon (my birth country) where the butler at a family friend’s house-made another little girl, and I engage in sexual acts. I was 4. He walked us downstairs to an area of the property that wasn’t frequented often. He asked us if we wanted to play a little game. We were giddy. What little girl wouldn’t be? The game got really strange as he started off by telling us to kiss. That kiss led to my beautiful little dress being pulled off, to us touching each other’s genitals. I remember my tiny little body feeling strange things as he stood there smiling. Watching. When we both started crying and I attempted to leave he yelled at us, then calmed us down with a reassuring smile and gentle strokes.

I don’t know how long it lasted, but I remember crying in her arms and our tiny bodies trying to console each other after because we knew something BAD just happened. Before we got back to the main part of the house, he gave us les bonbon (sweets in French) and reminded us to keep this a secret. That wouldn’t be the last time we were forced to entertain his devilish desires.

My experience with homosexuality at an early age planted a seed that men hurt and use women for sex. I felt that men were not safe. I believed that all men wanted to see two women have sexual intercourse. I believed that it was natural for women to be together. I believed a lie. All this time, I allowed myself to continue a destructive pattern to cover up the lies I believed since age 4. With this revelation, I had a clear choice to make. Would I continue to live out the lie or find liberty?

The choice was easy for me. I needed deliverance and intense healing from the trauma I endured. I asked God to remove from me every impurity from those experiences. I asked Him to take away the false sense of security and comfort the other girl and I gave to each other. I asked him to restore me to His original design. My purity. I asked Him to forgive me for anything I did that brought dishonor to me, others, or to Him. I asked Him to help me forgive the man that violated us. I asked Him to uproot the lies I believed and make me whole and He did.

This is how my sexual preference changed and was restored. I know that this isn’t everyone’s story and that’s okay. Some of you are reading this and you’ve prayed similar prayers and nothing has happened. All I can say is, “I am sorry.” It is hurtful to see God do something for some and not for others. Our relationship with Him is complicated. It sometimes doesn’t make sense and it isn’t supposed to.

What I want you to know is that even after that encounter, the battle over the lust of my flesh was not over. I had to make daily choices to NOT entertain the spirit of homosexuality.

I know that not everyone who is homosexual wants to be heterosexual. However, there are those who feel completely trapped like I did, but don’t know how to escape that feeling. My sexuality was a struggle that went beyond living in sin; it was a mindset and belief that was ingrained in me after something traumatic took place at an early age. Had I never felt the need to remove this feeling from my life, I may have never received the revelation I did in order for a change to be made. Through my encounter, I learned that God respects our free will even when we violate and oppose His. God is good in that way. He will always meet us where we are, walk in the darkest places with us, and step in when we ask for His help or to nudge us in the right direction.

And now, a word to church folks…

I want you to know that people struggling with homosexual thoughts and the LGBTQ community need love and compassion, not condemnation. There were many times I felt judged and hated when I was seeking help. This was not okay. God didn’t condemn me because He saw me and knew my root, but you condemned me and you condemn others to this day. The times I cried out, I was told to pray the feeling away, but how was I supposed to pray something away without knowing where to start? I had no idea where this was coming from and you took no time to help me. I was a disease you ran away from.

I needed healing, but hearing anti-gay speech was so unloving, it made me want to run far away from the church. Today, some of your behavior still alienates many people in need of healing, compassion, and love.

Hear my heart… Homosexuality is not just about sex or satisfying fleshly desires. At least not for everyone, so don’t lump all gay people in one pot. If you’ve never struggled with homosexuality, you definitely have zero room to pass judgment. Know that in many circumstances, the choice to be gay is rooted in pain. It is about trauma. It is can be a false sense of identity. It is not just lust. Some, truly feel they are born this way and unless you are living in their skin, don’t assume you have the answers. Your gay-bashing won’t help, but your love will. Your sensitivity to others matters, because you don’t know everyone’s story. I am sure no gay person is banging at your door trying to turn you out, so stop behaving like it is a disease you can catch. Hate has never healed anyone nor will it lead people into the Kingdom, so stop. Love like Christ did.

To the LGTBQ community…

I LOVE you. Period. I am an ally amongst many who love you dearly. Your sexuality does not define you. You are loved regardless of your sexual preference. You are adored. You are treasured, and that will never change. If you are gay, so what? Take it up with God! I am no longer gay… and what?