Face Your Feelings

Bag lady you goin’ hurt your back

Draggin’ all ’em bags like that

I guess nobody ever told you

All you must hold on to

Is you, is you, is you

“Bag Lady” – Erykah Badu

We all go through painful things. Everyone I’ve ever spoken to, whether in my job or personally, has trauma of some kind. It’s part of being human. 

But we often don’t take time to process the emotions that go along with those experiences. We don’t take time to acknowledge the things that have happened to us, and how we felt. So what we end up with is unspoken pain compounding unspoken pain, and we end up carrying our pain and our trauma throughout our lives. This is how we end up with “baggage.” 

Don’t fake the funk

So many of us walk around with a whole different song playing, right? “Everything is awesome …” (if you know, you know). We’re smiling on the outside, pretending like everything is all good. 

But the inside is a different story altogether. Everything is not awesome. Everything is not cool. 

Get to know me

What if we did that differently? Those who really know me, know me. They know what makes me tick, the fullness of who I am. They know I’m expressive with my emotions–the good and the bad! If I’m happy, I’m happy. If I’m struggling, I’m no longer going to hide it. 

This is where we have to begin if we’re going to build truly vulnerable relationships, where we really know the essence of the other person. 

“Good” is not an emotion

How often have you had this little conversation? 

Friend: How are you? 

You (dying inside from shame, pain, humiliation): Good. 

“Good”?! Good is not an emotion. Good is a deflection, a way to avoid sharing your feelings. 

A new vocabulary

Over the past 18 months or so, many of us have experienced something new. Because we were suddenly stuck inside our homes, many of us alone, we had time to face ourselves–and our feelings. Most people don’t have names for those feelings. They don’t know what shame, or elation, or other emotions are called. We just call them “good” or “bad,” and that’s about all we have. 

Take time to learn what those different emotions are. Take time to understand what shame feels like, or frustration, or true joy. 

Letting it out

I’ve been there. I’ve felt sad, afraid, lonely, discouraged … and I felt intimidated by people. I didn’t have a safe place to let my feelings out. Who could handle me? Who could handle these deep feelings I experienced? Sometimes people would look at my life, and they would see that it looks “good” from the outside; I have a job, I have my son, I have friends … things look good. Why would I feel depressed or jealous or angry? 

Remember that our outward circumstances don’t always dictate our emotions. Things can look “good” on the outside, but our inner pain and trauma is still present. That baggage doesn’t go away on its own … 

Give yourself permission. Learn to be ok with not being ok. 

My story

I’ve been through more trauma than ought to be possible. The enemy has known my purpose from the beginning of my life, and he has taken every opportunity to try to steal from me, kill me, and destroy me. That trauma hurts. 

But sometimes I would share about that pain, like my mother’s death when I was 8 years old. And I would pass it off, like “Oh, I’m ok. That wasn’t that big of a deal. It happens, you know?” 

I was numb. 

I couldn’t face the pain of losing my mother. And because I wasn’t facing my emotions, her death felt fake, like a hoax or something. Up until probably my late 20s, I didn’t feel like my mother was truly dead. I just knew she would show up one day …

You see, I hadn’t grieved. I hadn’t allowed myself to face the feelings of grief: anger, sadness, even rage. God invited me to go back to my mother’s funeral, to stand at her coffin and look at her. He showed me that I had refused to accept it, refused to allow the emotions to come that would let me move on. He showed me the moment I became numb. 

I chose it. 

But now, as an adult, I was finally facing my grief over losing my mother. The anger and sadness at the loss. I wept. I yelled. And finally, I was able to move past it. 

I share this with you to say this: maybe you’ve become numb, like me. Maybe there is an event, a loss, a trauma in your life that you haven’t allowed yourself to feel. The scary thing about that is that when we can’t feel the dark emotions, we can’t fully feel the joy either. We go through life being “okay” when there is abundant joy available to us.

It has to start with being able to face your feelings and admitting that those emotions exist. God already knows you have them; admitting them to Him is safe. And then consider finding a counselor, a trusted friend, or someone who is a safe place for you. 

Grieve. 

Cry. 

Yell. 

Stomp. 

Allow yourself to truly feel. Decide to no longer live your life numb. There is so much joy and peace on the other side.