The Art of Solitude

People often ask me about singleness. I’ve been single for a while now, and I share a lot about being alone. Listeners and friends ask me, “How do you do it?”

First of all, there’s a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. So many people I know don’t like being alone. There are many different reasons why this might be true, but most of the time it comes down to this: we don’t like being alone because then we have to face ourselves. It’s much easier to be with other people all the time; then I don’t have to think about or even face myself. 

We take that person we don’t like very much into relationships and offer it to other people. “I don’t like me, but you should!” That doesn’t make any sense at all, and yet it happens over and over. I’ve done it; I bet you have too. We look to others as “space fillers,” someone to tell us who we are and how we feel. We don’t even know who we are, and yet we’re trying to be in a close relationship with another person. We then end up in relationships where we have a partner but we’re still lonely, because we didn’t master solitude in the desert place. 

This happens because we never learned to be alone. 

How do we get past this? How can we master the art of solitude, and truly enjoy the seasons of being alone? We often equate solitude with loneliness; but to the contrary, solitude is a state and place of discipline and self love, not self loathing. When we learn to sit in our muck, sit in our mess, truly face it, then we can begin to move out of it. 

There’s a line in a famous “romantic” movie where the lead character says, “You complete me.” This isn’t romance; it’s codependence! Not having a sense of who you are as a complete person leaves you wide open for unhealthy romantic relationships. You end up looking for someone who fills your empty places, rather than complementing your very full and complete life. 

In solitude, you can explore who you are and what your calling is. What has God called you to do? I can guarantee you, God is not waiting for you to be attached to another person before you get to live out the calling on your life. If He’s waiting for anything, it’s for you to sit still and get quiet enough for Him to talk to you about it! 

As you’re in a season of waiting, use your time to pursue healing. Use your time to truly get to know yourself. Find out where your messy places are. Find out where you need healing. Find out simple things, such as what you like and what you don’t like. Learn to love yourself, as yourself. 

When you are secure in your self-love, when you can truly say, “I am enough, without anybody else!”, then you can welcome another person into that space in your life. You can truly lavish your love on them, rather than asking them to fill a void. You can truly welcome them as an addition to your life, and become a positive and healthy addition to theirs. 

So, to all of my single friends, learn to be alone. Learn to embrace being by yourself. Learn how to love you. Learn to live out your purpose in the wait. Practice solitude and self-love so when your partner comes it’s a bonus, not a burden. Practice being alone. There’s a true art to it, and it takes practice. But it’s worth it. I promise.