Father Wounds

Every year, a day comes up that is really, really hard for me to get through. I dread it, actually. I often spend this particular day in bed, avoiding all the “celebrations” around me. 

I hate Father’s Day.

Elsa, you ask, why are we talking about Father’s Day in November?

For those of us with deep father wounds, any holiday can be hard. Days that should be about family and celebrating are missing something: a good father. 

My story is the kind of story you hear on documentaries and nighttime news shows. My father molested me, abused me, and trafficked me from my home in Cameroon to the United States. And that’s just the beginning. As you can imagine, my view of “fathers” and what having a dad would be like was very horribly warped. When I would hear about “fatherly love” in church, it honestly caused me to freak out, as that meant something sexual and abusive and awful. 

Walking around with these deep wounds created by the men who were supposed to love and protect us can cause us to have some intense issues. Here are a few I’ve discovered.

• Low self-esteem: Dads are supposed to instill confidence in their kids. Up until a few years ago, I was a very timid, scared, people-pleaser. I just wanted approval! I was so afraid to speak up or do anything “out of the box”; I started drinking a lot to give myself “liquid courage”. That way, I could blame anything anybody didn’t like on the alcohol. I looked like I was strong and brave, but I was terrified all the time.

I remember the first time I felt the overwhelming love of the Father. I was at a church event, and during the event they invited anyone who had “father wounds” to come down for a “dad hug.” The Holy Spirit prompted me to go down to the altar, where a random man gave me a hug. 

He gave me a hug that didn’t demand anything, that didn’t expect anything. It was just filled with pure love. It was the first time a man had touched me where they didn’t want anything from me. It healed so much, so deeply. It showed me a glimpse of my Heavenly Father, who will never take from me, who will never manipulate me. Who loves me with the purest love imaginable. 

• Overcompensating: Many of us with father wounds walk around as human doings rather than human beings. I spent so long doing doing doing: doing for my child, doing for my friends, doing for my church. I had no idea of my own identity; I thought by performing this way, I would finally find out who I was. Fathers are supposed to tell you who you are; mine just told me I was only good for one thing. 

I know God watched me for all those years, just waiting for me to sit still long enough to listen to what He had to say about me. Finally, He told me that all of my doing was getting in the way of my being in His presence, allowing Him to tell me how much He loves me, and allowing Him to tell me who I am in Him. He wanted me to rest in His presence. 

• Makes us angry: The anger, the rage, the fear … most of these things can be traced back to our relationships with our father. When we aren’t safe to express who we are and what we feel in the presence of our father, it builds up like a toxic sludge, which will eventually come out as anger and rage and bitterness and resentment. 

Anger doesn’t necessarily look like yelling at people, either. It could show up as negative self-talk, because you’ve turned that anger on yourself. But none of those things are what your Heavenly Father thinks of you. All those terrible things you think about yourself? He hates that. He wants to tell you just how precious you are, how fearfully and wonderfully made you are. 

• Take dominion where it’s not ours to take: When we are not affirmed and encouraged by our fathers, we tend to take on a sense of “I’ll just do it myself,” rather than waiting for God to set us where He wants us. This can put us in positions where we don’t belong, where we run the risk of hurting others out of our impatience and need. 

Father wounds are deep and painful. If any of these things apply to you, like they have to me, I want to encourage you to accept and embrace the love of your Heavenly Father. Allow Him to speak to you, and tell you about His pure and unconditional love for you. 

I pray that the love of the Father will overwhelm you, right now. I pray that in the darkest places of wounding, of fear, of condemnation and self-hatred, that His light would shine and heal and free them. I pray that you would know that He has never left you or forsaken you, and that He never will. Your Heavenly Father’s love for you is perfect, unconditional, and healing.